The Notorious Column #24: Smackdown: A Lover That Will Spoon With You At Night

I suppose this is good to know. We’re in the homestretch to Wrestlemania, boys and girls. Let’s get it, people! Time to recap Smackdown. I do it in a key point-comment format. I don’t rate matches; nothing against people that rate matches, I’m sure they do an awesome job with it. Just not my style.

Key moment: Daniel Bryan is a good lover, spoons with AJ at night; Sheamus throws up in his mouth a little bit. Slightly unrelated, I’m sure Sheamus would like to spoon with AJ. I’m just saying. Related: Daniel doesn’t like being called “Danny Boy”. In Sheamus’ defense, it’s a step above “Brian Baby”. Not saying, just saying.

 

Key moment: Mark Henry murderdeathkills R-Truth. Three minutes of my life I’ll never get back. Yes, we’re all fully aware that Team Johnny has the more dominant team at Wrestlemania and they’ll win. Let’s not make it so obvious, okay?

 

Key moment: Yokozuna is announced as the newest member of the WWE Hall of Fame. For those too young to remember, for about 18 months, Yokozuna was the most dominant man in WWF. He was the man that ended Hulk Hogan’s original run in the WWF in 1993. A two-time WWF champion (both runs ended under very dubious circumstances), he was in some ways a 1990s version of Andre the Giant. I questioned it, but I’m ultimately okay with this.

 

AJ beats Brie Bella. Daniel Bryan celebrates. Brie is rooting for team Johnny, while Nikki is rooting for team Teddy. And not a single fuck was given at that point. But at least we got an AJ SIGHTING out of it! 

Key moment: Zack Ryder defeats Jack Swagger in another Team Johnny vs. Team Teddy match. One thing I will not miss post-Wrestlemania: the GM feud. This was all made possible because Wade Barrett blew his elbow out. Damn you Wade Barrett and Big Show.

 

Key moment: Big Show beats Kane by disqualification; Cody Rhodes misses his plane to go after Big Show again; Randy Orton murderdeathkills Kane with an RKO again. Nothing to see here; move along.

 

Brodus Clay is back, beating Heath Slater with the WTF (What the Funk) in 85 seconds. So, if you took the over on 60.5 seconds, you win.  

 

Key moment: The Great Khali loses to, beats Dolph Ziggler. No, this is not a mistake. Dolph put Khali in the sleeper and Johnny Ace calls for the bell, Montreal Screwjob style (really?), then Teddy Long comes out and restarts the match, only Dolph Ziggler wouldn’t come back in. Dolph gets counted out, then gets tossed back in by Santino Marella and Kofi Kingston and Khali kills Dolph dead with the BRAIN CHOP OF DOOM. I say this again: this GM feud is only happening because Wade Barrett got hurt. I hate this feud with a passion. The 12-man tag will be my Wrestlemania bathroom break.

 

Key moment: WWE Champion CM Punk and Sheamus defeat World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan and Chris Jericho. If you had hopes for anyone other than The Miz eating the pinfall here, you’re doing it wrong. Worth pointing out: The Miz was a year ago in the main event of Wrestlemania. Forget the fact he’s got backstage heat; I think this is the wrestling gods’ payback for that awful main event. Not saying, just saying. Wonder if AJ will take up CM Punk’s offer to call her. Funny moment there.

Summary: Not a whole lot to write home about this week, and it’s a shame. This is probably the last wrestling Smackdown before Wrestlemania, as they’ve tended to use the Smackdown before Wrestlemania as a Wrestlemania countdown show in recent years. If you skipped Smackdown this week, other than a nice tag match, you didn’t miss much.

 

At least it’ll have the courtesy to call you in the morning.